THE MANUAL

When has our kind ever failed to look up at the stars to ask for divine guidance? In all the time we’ve populated this planet, has any tribe failed to sponsor mythology? We have always worshipped our gods and honored their behavioral commandments by violating them and expecting divine forgiveness.

Yet humans crave creeds, and atheism has none of it in stock. Is the current assortment of gospels worthy of an age when scientists can create—or at least duplicate—life? How well does the superstition of illiterate shepherds who lived thousands of years ago light the way for flocks with hand-held digital access to the accumulated knowledge of centuries?

What we could use is a newer testament, one providing dating advice, universal rules of the road, fashion tips, directions to happier places, a revised Ten Commandments, and suggestions on how to joyfully embrace an absurd universe, presented in story form. For instance,

It’s a criminal case, and the city’s police department captain will be a juror unless the defense attorney asks the judge to excuse him. It would be malpractice not to. Or would it?

A life-long source of inspiration: Negro League baseball players.

Having a drink and a cigar with Mark Twain, while discussing romance and philosophy.

A local newsstand owner and manager are accused of selling pornography—a magazine that seems to encourage rape and child molestation—and most people think they’re guilty as hell. There’s no fee in it, and taking over the case will draw a lot of fire.

Plotting a course to true love.

How Sam Clemens’s white “I don’t give a damn” suit helped a timid lawyer overcome his fear of courtrooms.

A tribute to the lonely.

On the mound in the last inning with a one run lead, the bases are empty, and the best hitter a high school pitcher would ever face is four batters away, when Satchel Paige whispers something in his ear.

The plight of the undersocialized.

Why we are an endangered species, and how we will check out.

CAVEAT: People who will probably not like this book include authoritarians, objectivists, evangelists, soccer fans, fashion designers, trophy hunters, fat cats, racists, misogynists, DEA agents, radical feminists, cynics, jingoists, narcissists, polluters, swindlers, paranoid schizophrenics, climate deniers, poseurs, and cold fish.

CHAPTERS:
Rules Of The Road
How To Learn New Things
The Importance Of Baseball Or Something Like It
You Can’t Choose Your Relatives
A Code Of Honor
The Saving Grace Of Christian Radio
Fashion Tips
Truth And Politics
Diogenes Goes To Court
You Don't Know What You Think You Know
Miller’s Law
Some Enchanted Evening
Ernie’s Legacy
Music Lessons
Always Bet On The Packard
Fish In A Barrel
The Romantic
Ten Commandments
National Anthems
Legal Insanity
We’re Not As Smart As We Think We Are
Mapping A Course To Atlantis
Clues
When Speech Isn’t Free
Only The Lonely
Bromides
Cool
The Root Of All Evil
Fighting Injustice On A Budget
Why Faith And Reason Can Never Be Friends
Kind, Never Meek
Social Living
Existential Shopping